the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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