Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize