is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
