I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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