Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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