So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
