But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
