take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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