The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
