I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
