Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
