she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
