Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
