He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
