it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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