dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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