i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
