No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
