She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
