I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
