in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow