Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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