If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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