I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
