I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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