masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
