You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
sarcasm needs its own font
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
