I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
