My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
