The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
