Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
