How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
