dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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