my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
