I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
