you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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