there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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