drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
