the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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