I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
