the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
