i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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