Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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