Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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