Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
