Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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