Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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