The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
