Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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