i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
COCAINE IS GR8
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
