Did you just see the Batmobile???
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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