I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
