bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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