Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
