I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
