you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
